Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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