just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It's shark week go big or go home
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
