So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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