'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
