Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
