my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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