nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize