I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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