I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
