The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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