I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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