I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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