so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
