i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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