I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
