You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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