There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize