I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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