i think my mom watched the whole time
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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