and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We need to get me chipped asap
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
