Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We talked him into tasing himself.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
