The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
