I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
