there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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