tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
