got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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