no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
