I heard we made out
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
