At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The power of my boobs compel you
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
