I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
