I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
