When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
