Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
