the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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