1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
