The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
