You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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