I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize