i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
