Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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