I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
