ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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