I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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