If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
