textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
