Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
