I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
why do cheetos always look like penises
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
