Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
