It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
