A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
