never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
