When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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