ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
