if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
