Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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