my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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