I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
