Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
