I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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