Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
