just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize